Very soon after the marriage, it became clear that Rick didn't like, appreciate or cherish me. I made a list called "Mary's Dream Guy" that showed the frustration I was having in my "marriage" due to the fact that he was always disappointed in me. I sent it to Rick, and he told me he could maybe meet some of the main points eventually. Perhaps 1, 2 and 4, but definitely not 3 and probably not many others. When I asked him if he could cherish me, he told me we hadn't reached that point yet. (!?!!!?)
What I want in a husband:
1. Someone who thinks I am the most wonderful, interesting, intriguing and inspiring person in the world and feels lucky to have me because of it.
2. Someone who knows in their heart that I am their soul mate and who shows it by actions instead of words.
3. Someone who admires my passion for the things I believe in.
4. Someone who realizes that I am a step above most women in my honesty, integrity and refusal to use men for money and recognizes how very lucky they are to have me.
5. Someone who appreciates my "depth" and my disdain for frivolous things and shallow words.
6. Someone who also appreciates the things that really matter and wants a simple life.
7. Someone who thinks that my personality makes me the most beautiful woman in the world.
8. Someone who gets my strange comments and music references without my having to explain.
9. Someone who likes the same music as me and understands the passion it invokes.
10. Someone who shares my intense, spiritual connection with nature.
11. Someone who shares my desire for knowledge of the world around me- including history, genealogy, nature, world events, natural health, books, etc.
12. Someone who loves cats and understands that they are living creatures to be cherished rather than just "pets" or disposable decorations.
13. Someone who isn't materialistic and is turned off by greed and wasted wealth.
14. Someone with high standards who isn't easily impressed by shallow charm and unnatural "beauty."
15. Someone unconventional.
16. Someone who understands that sex should be saved for someone who really matters.
17. Someone who isn't vain or high maintenance.
18. Someone older who likes the styles and things I do.
19. Someone who is financially responsible but also knows that sometimes life requires a little splurge.
20. Someone who values travel and is willing to do it cheaply.
21. Someone who uses good language (ie. not ebonics or obscenities.)
22. Someone with class (real class- not the pretentiousness that comes solely from money.)
23. Someone who dislikes violence.
24. Someone honest who doesn't keep secrets about anything.
25. Someone who is willing to let me know everything about them and doesn't want to keep their past a big black hole.
26. Someone who is a Christian but is not religious or brain washed.
27. Someone who thinks for themselves- outside of advertising, medical, etc. propaganda.
28. Someone who sees through liberal bullshit.
29. Someone who isn't in love with or obsessed with anyone else.
That's not asking much is it?
Monday, November 10, 2008
The worst thing about the abusive marriage
The worst thing about being married to Rick was his music. I actually liked it, but when you marry a person, you really don't need to hear a musical collection of love songs about how great his ex was. I had heard all of these songs about how he'd love the ex forever, would never forget her, how they should still be together, how she was so charismatic and attractive, etc. All of the songs, over ten years worth were all about the same person, which made for a creepy obsession.
The thing that was most painful was the fact that I could hear all theses tributes, yet at the same time, he kept telling me everything he hated about me. He kept saying "you need to change" and picked on everything from my teeth to my religion. He never told me what he liked about me, just all the things he didn't like. I kept telling him that he seemed like he didn't like me at all, and he'd say "of I course I do, I married you." But, now I know he never liked or loved me. Actually, I knew all along and I was confused as to why he married me and kept insisting that he loved me. So now, if I ever listen to Rick's music again, I'll know that he worshiped and adored his ex, but never treated me that way. I knew he was capable of cherishing someone, but it sure wasn't me! I kept waiting for him to appreciate me, but it never happened. What a blow to my self-esteem! The person he married was never the person he loved. I can't believe I wasted 1 year and 11 months of my life with a guy who so obviously didn't love me. He kept saying it, but the fact that he could only criticize me let me know that there was no love on his part.
When I pointed out that it seemed like he didn't like me, he'd say, he only liked me when I was happy. That was pretty rare, because how in the world could I be happy when I was married to a man who made his dislike for me clear every day?
I can't wait for the day when I meet someone who appreciates me enough that they can say/ write a song/ write a poem, etc. how much they like me instead of constantly fault finding. Rick seemed disappointed in me from the start and I continuously felt bad because I could see that he didn't like me. Even the original four day weekend when I visited him, he said he was disappointed in me. I should have ended it then and there despite all the connections we'd had on the phone. Even in its good moments, this relationship was never good. I was always depressed by the fact that Rick didn't really like me.
The thing that was most painful was the fact that I could hear all theses tributes, yet at the same time, he kept telling me everything he hated about me. He kept saying "you need to change" and picked on everything from my teeth to my religion. He never told me what he liked about me, just all the things he didn't like. I kept telling him that he seemed like he didn't like me at all, and he'd say "of I course I do, I married you." But, now I know he never liked or loved me. Actually, I knew all along and I was confused as to why he married me and kept insisting that he loved me. So now, if I ever listen to Rick's music again, I'll know that he worshiped and adored his ex, but never treated me that way. I knew he was capable of cherishing someone, but it sure wasn't me! I kept waiting for him to appreciate me, but it never happened. What a blow to my self-esteem! The person he married was never the person he loved. I can't believe I wasted 1 year and 11 months of my life with a guy who so obviously didn't love me. He kept saying it, but the fact that he could only criticize me let me know that there was no love on his part.
When I pointed out that it seemed like he didn't like me, he'd say, he only liked me when I was happy. That was pretty rare, because how in the world could I be happy when I was married to a man who made his dislike for me clear every day?
I can't wait for the day when I meet someone who appreciates me enough that they can say/ write a song/ write a poem, etc. how much they like me instead of constantly fault finding. Rick seemed disappointed in me from the start and I continuously felt bad because I could see that he didn't like me. Even the original four day weekend when I visited him, he said he was disappointed in me. I should have ended it then and there despite all the connections we'd had on the phone. Even in its good moments, this relationship was never good. I was always depressed by the fact that Rick didn't really like me.
If he's impossible to please, there's something wrong with HIM! Not you!
For months I let Rick drag me down. Every time he insisted that I was wrong for doing things my way instead of his, every time he was getting angry over meaningless things and blaming me, every time he was behaving in a ridiculous manner and having outrageous superhuman expectations, I believed him that his craziness was my fault. Despite all my instincts that something was seriously wrong with him.
I realize now that there is something wrong with him. I felt it all along-- an emptiness, a lack of self. He told me that one of his girlfriends had dumped him because he didn't have a personality. It's true. There is nothing inside Rick because he is only a reflection of the people around him. The things he does, the things he claims to believe, his interests, his hobbies, his morals, everything is simply a reflection of what he sees others doing. He parrots exactly what other people say to him. When he was leaving me, he used big phrases and specific phrases over and over and said that his friend was telling him to. I knew he didn't come up with any of it himself. He can't even tell you what he believes or why. He can't say how he feels or what he wants. I'd explain to him why I believed certain things, and he'd say it sounded good and he believed it too. I'd ask him what he wanted to do, and he said whatever I wanted to do. He didn't have any hobbies. His interests changed with each person he dated and HE, RICK was never a consistent self-aware, self-determined person.
He tried to tell me I ruined his life, but I know better. He admitted some things that made it clear. Starting long before he met me, he'd had years of therapy because his relationships went bad. He had quite a few self-help books on breaking your addictions to people, obsessive love, etc. He also had a collection of anti-anxiety medication and a "prescription" for marijuana for anxiety. That was before he met me. He had big problems before I got there, and he knows it.
It was like he had no soul. When some really horrible things happened and left me devastated, he just went on with his day like it was nothing. He had no empathy for me during traumatic events. One thing that he did to me has haunted me daily for two years because it was very bad. I cried for weeks, yet he never shed a tear, and always belittled my concerns. When my cat died, there was nothing. One day he got a call that his mom had a massive heart attack and wasn't doing well. I told him he needed to call off work, but he refused. He showed no emotion. I'm a normal person, so I kept trying... Rick, your mom might be dying, forget work. But he was insistent that he had to be responsible and go in even though he never missed work and this was a true emergency. Fortunately, his sister got through to him and before he even finished his 1.5 hour drive to work, he had turned around to visit his mom. When he got the call that she was definitely in her last hours, I had to spend quite a while convincing him that he needed to be there. All through her lengthy sickness, I had to tell him that he needed to be visiting his mom as much as possible before it was too late. He was so empty and vacant that nothing phased him.
I knew there was something wrong with him. Is there really such thing as a soulless empty person? I don't think at his age that there's much hope for him to develop into a person with personality and self. Despite all the times he blamed me for his emptiness and weird behavior, he knows something is wrong with him. Sixty women don't dump a guy for no reason. Even after he left me, when he was irrationally blaming me for his behavior, he broke down crying and said he needed to figure out why all of his relationships ended badly. That isn't because of me, and he knows it. The common denominator is HIM.
I did have little hints that he had controlled other women. First of all, an abusive man abuses in all relationships. All the therapists and books assured me that it wasn't the first time. Rick let little things slip that let me know I was not the first.
He told me a detailed situation of why his previous girlfriend dumped him-- basically because he was always telling her how to live her life. He had e-mails and letters saved from other exes. In one of his favorite movies, the star goes back and talks to exes asking them why they left, so Rick had done the same thing. One response stood out in my head- the woman had replied that she felt she wasn't good enough for him. In another e-mail, he was apologizing to an ex for the crappy way he treated her, in yet another, he apologized to someone for trying to control her and getting annoyed by her baby, the woman he's in love with told him that he needed to find someone more quiet and demure instead of her because she was too strong and driven. Rick admitted that he'd constantly been disappointed in her because her choices and priorities in life didn't match what he wanted her to choose. Other things gradually came out, so and so had annoyed him because she didn't do such and such, and more. It was pretty clear that I wasn't the first person he'd tried to control. He devotes his life to taking care of people then gets mad when they don't do what he wants them to do. Rick KNOWS there is something wrong with him. Perhaps he hates me for sticking around long enough to question and uncover what it is.
Another thing that bothers me... his family must know something is wrong with him. Even though they haven't lived with him in over 30 years, they must know something is wrong when their brother goes through so many girlfriends and none want to stay. They might even know that he gets infatuated and falls in love quickly then wants out just as quickly. He turned to them for support and it is their duty to love him, but they must know... they must see a pattern. I knew almost instantly that something was wrong with him, even before we met.
There were just too many weird things. One thing that always bothered me was when he got home from work he'd kiss me and hold on to me like he was drowning and I needed to save him. When he kissed me he'd always suck air in through his mouth with a whistling noise and I'd ask why. He'd say he was trying to breath me in. The symbolism of that bothers me because in reality, that is what he was trying to do. He was trying to own, control and absorb me, to let me fill his emptiness and to use me to give him a sense of self.
I realize now that there is something wrong with him. I felt it all along-- an emptiness, a lack of self. He told me that one of his girlfriends had dumped him because he didn't have a personality. It's true. There is nothing inside Rick because he is only a reflection of the people around him. The things he does, the things he claims to believe, his interests, his hobbies, his morals, everything is simply a reflection of what he sees others doing. He parrots exactly what other people say to him. When he was leaving me, he used big phrases and specific phrases over and over and said that his friend was telling him to. I knew he didn't come up with any of it himself. He can't even tell you what he believes or why. He can't say how he feels or what he wants. I'd explain to him why I believed certain things, and he'd say it sounded good and he believed it too. I'd ask him what he wanted to do, and he said whatever I wanted to do. He didn't have any hobbies. His interests changed with each person he dated and HE, RICK was never a consistent self-aware, self-determined person.
He tried to tell me I ruined his life, but I know better. He admitted some things that made it clear. Starting long before he met me, he'd had years of therapy because his relationships went bad. He had quite a few self-help books on breaking your addictions to people, obsessive love, etc. He also had a collection of anti-anxiety medication and a "prescription" for marijuana for anxiety. That was before he met me. He had big problems before I got there, and he knows it.
It was like he had no soul. When some really horrible things happened and left me devastated, he just went on with his day like it was nothing. He had no empathy for me during traumatic events. One thing that he did to me has haunted me daily for two years because it was very bad. I cried for weeks, yet he never shed a tear, and always belittled my concerns. When my cat died, there was nothing. One day he got a call that his mom had a massive heart attack and wasn't doing well. I told him he needed to call off work, but he refused. He showed no emotion. I'm a normal person, so I kept trying... Rick, your mom might be dying, forget work. But he was insistent that he had to be responsible and go in even though he never missed work and this was a true emergency. Fortunately, his sister got through to him and before he even finished his 1.5 hour drive to work, he had turned around to visit his mom. When he got the call that she was definitely in her last hours, I had to spend quite a while convincing him that he needed to be there. All through her lengthy sickness, I had to tell him that he needed to be visiting his mom as much as possible before it was too late. He was so empty and vacant that nothing phased him.
I knew there was something wrong with him. Is there really such thing as a soulless empty person? I don't think at his age that there's much hope for him to develop into a person with personality and self. Despite all the times he blamed me for his emptiness and weird behavior, he knows something is wrong with him. Sixty women don't dump a guy for no reason. Even after he left me, when he was irrationally blaming me for his behavior, he broke down crying and said he needed to figure out why all of his relationships ended badly. That isn't because of me, and he knows it. The common denominator is HIM.
I did have little hints that he had controlled other women. First of all, an abusive man abuses in all relationships. All the therapists and books assured me that it wasn't the first time. Rick let little things slip that let me know I was not the first.
He told me a detailed situation of why his previous girlfriend dumped him-- basically because he was always telling her how to live her life. He had e-mails and letters saved from other exes. In one of his favorite movies, the star goes back and talks to exes asking them why they left, so Rick had done the same thing. One response stood out in my head- the woman had replied that she felt she wasn't good enough for him. In another e-mail, he was apologizing to an ex for the crappy way he treated her, in yet another, he apologized to someone for trying to control her and getting annoyed by her baby, the woman he's in love with told him that he needed to find someone more quiet and demure instead of her because she was too strong and driven. Rick admitted that he'd constantly been disappointed in her because her choices and priorities in life didn't match what he wanted her to choose. Other things gradually came out, so and so had annoyed him because she didn't do such and such, and more. It was pretty clear that I wasn't the first person he'd tried to control. He devotes his life to taking care of people then gets mad when they don't do what he wants them to do. Rick KNOWS there is something wrong with him. Perhaps he hates me for sticking around long enough to question and uncover what it is.
Another thing that bothers me... his family must know something is wrong with him. Even though they haven't lived with him in over 30 years, they must know something is wrong when their brother goes through so many girlfriends and none want to stay. They might even know that he gets infatuated and falls in love quickly then wants out just as quickly. He turned to them for support and it is their duty to love him, but they must know... they must see a pattern. I knew almost instantly that something was wrong with him, even before we met.
There were just too many weird things. One thing that always bothered me was when he got home from work he'd kiss me and hold on to me like he was drowning and I needed to save him. When he kissed me he'd always suck air in through his mouth with a whistling noise and I'd ask why. He'd say he was trying to breath me in. The symbolism of that bothers me because in reality, that is what he was trying to do. He was trying to own, control and absorb me, to let me fill his emptiness and to use me to give him a sense of self.
He was never happy with anything
Last year, Rick and I visited Ohio for a week. We took an overnight flight from LA to Columbus and arrived around 6 AM. He had slept some on the plane, but I hadn't. We got our rental car and started driving to our hotel outside Cleveland. Once there, our first task was to find a grocery store. I have a special medical diet, so if I was going to have lunch, we needed to find the right food. Unfortunately, none of the nearby stores carried what I needed, something that surprised me because my home area in SW Ohio always has what I need. Rick told me I could stay at the hotel and sleep while he went exploring. I accepted, because I get physically ill when I don't sleep and I wasn't doing well. We had plans for later that afternoon, and I wanted to feel good. So, I got some sleep, but it was restless because Rick didn't come back for three hours and I was very worried about him. I was starting to get scared, but my cell phone wouldn't connect. Finally he came back. He'd driven all over the area but didn't find what I needed. I groggily thanked him for trying, but encouraged him to give up and lay down with me so we could cuddle and get some rest. I am very sure that I thanked him. I had learned almost right away that Rick needed to be thanked multiple times for every deed, so it became second nature to thank him several times an hour. If I didn't, I knew he would be mad.
So we got some rest, then had a nice evening. We went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to see the brand new Beach Boys exhibit that just happened to start right when we got there even though our trip had been planned six months earlier! We also went to a talk with David Marks who had many fun stories to tell about his experiences with the Beach Boys and afterwards. We had a great time. That night, after we left, there was a huge thunderstorm over Lake Erie with the type of rains one never sees in SoCal and lightning that amazed Rick. I've seen storms, but it was especially awesome over the lake. Everything seemed fine, we finally found a store that had what I needed, went back to our hotel and went to bed.
The next morning, as we were packing to leave, Rick was pouting and agitated. As with every time this frequently happened, I knew that I had unknowingly done something "wrong." Eventually, it came out. I hadn't thanked him enough for spending the time looking for my food. I was ungrateful, unappreciative, selfish, all of the things I was used to hearing. All of my feelings of helplessness came back. I KNEW I'd thanked him. I was always on guard because if I missed a thank you, I'd be yelled it. I tried reasoning... "but Rick, I did thank you." I even described in detail exactly when and where I had thanked him, but he kept denying it. I said "well, you must not have heard me, because I am very sure I said it."
Still, the insults and yelling continued. Horrible, lazy, selfish, worthless, unappreciative. None of it was true. God and I both know that I had dedicated my life to Rick, to trying very hard to prove I wasn't any of those things. I was sick of hearing it. Whenever Rick got like that, all I could think was "this man is impossible to please. This is so crazy, what more can I do? No normal person would act like this. Why is he so demanding? Why does he not realize all I do for him? How many times do I have to thank him?"
His behavior is typical of his codependency. People with that disorder always feel like they are going overboard to please people and getting nothing in return. Sometimes, they are right. But in our case, I knew Rick was not right. I knew that I was thanking him constantly, trying hard to show him how much I enjoyed the things he did for me, keeping his home spotless, promoting his music online, complimenting him daily, encouraging him to eat healthy, helping him save money with coupons, encouraging him to increase his investments for his future, looking out for him in every way. And yet, he kept accusing me of doing the exact opposite of what I was doing. This is a form of abuse called "crazymaking," where the abuser keeps invalidating the victim's sense of reality and making her wonder if she is the one who is crazy and imagining things. Going through it daily really throws a person off guard. Rick confuses me. Is he so emotionally unstable that he truly believes I wasn't grateful? Is he so unconsciously abusive that he truly believes that he isn't demanding too much? Is he so incapable of reason that he didn't understand what I was doing? Whatever the case, something is seriously wrong with him. I've never met anyone else who acts like that.
So we got some rest, then had a nice evening. We went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to see the brand new Beach Boys exhibit that just happened to start right when we got there even though our trip had been planned six months earlier! We also went to a talk with David Marks who had many fun stories to tell about his experiences with the Beach Boys and afterwards. We had a great time. That night, after we left, there was a huge thunderstorm over Lake Erie with the type of rains one never sees in SoCal and lightning that amazed Rick. I've seen storms, but it was especially awesome over the lake. Everything seemed fine, we finally found a store that had what I needed, went back to our hotel and went to bed.
The next morning, as we were packing to leave, Rick was pouting and agitated. As with every time this frequently happened, I knew that I had unknowingly done something "wrong." Eventually, it came out. I hadn't thanked him enough for spending the time looking for my food. I was ungrateful, unappreciative, selfish, all of the things I was used to hearing. All of my feelings of helplessness came back. I KNEW I'd thanked him. I was always on guard because if I missed a thank you, I'd be yelled it. I tried reasoning... "but Rick, I did thank you." I even described in detail exactly when and where I had thanked him, but he kept denying it. I said "well, you must not have heard me, because I am very sure I said it."
Still, the insults and yelling continued. Horrible, lazy, selfish, worthless, unappreciative. None of it was true. God and I both know that I had dedicated my life to Rick, to trying very hard to prove I wasn't any of those things. I was sick of hearing it. Whenever Rick got like that, all I could think was "this man is impossible to please. This is so crazy, what more can I do? No normal person would act like this. Why is he so demanding? Why does he not realize all I do for him? How many times do I have to thank him?"
His behavior is typical of his codependency. People with that disorder always feel like they are going overboard to please people and getting nothing in return. Sometimes, they are right. But in our case, I knew Rick was not right. I knew that I was thanking him constantly, trying hard to show him how much I enjoyed the things he did for me, keeping his home spotless, promoting his music online, complimenting him daily, encouraging him to eat healthy, helping him save money with coupons, encouraging him to increase his investments for his future, looking out for him in every way. And yet, he kept accusing me of doing the exact opposite of what I was doing. This is a form of abuse called "crazymaking," where the abuser keeps invalidating the victim's sense of reality and making her wonder if she is the one who is crazy and imagining things. Going through it daily really throws a person off guard. Rick confuses me. Is he so emotionally unstable that he truly believes I wasn't grateful? Is he so unconsciously abusive that he truly believes that he isn't demanding too much? Is he so incapable of reason that he didn't understand what I was doing? Whatever the case, something is seriously wrong with him. I've never met anyone else who acts like that.
The codependent as an abuser
When Rick first came home with the claim that he was codependent, I was upset. Codependents are usually people who enable addicts, alcoholics and abusers to continue their bad behavior. I'm not addicted to anything, and I certainly wasn't abusing anyone because I was too busy walking on eggshells to avoid Rick's cruelty.
But, Rick certainly does have many qualities of codependency. He does far too much for other people, not for kindness but to get praise in return, neglects to have his own opinions, takes his feelings and personality from others, being instantly "in love," calling every hour, etc.
To quote one website: http://abuse101.com/codependency.html
codependents "attempt to control another and to control circumstances. The codependent may often feel like they are a victim, or that everything wrong in their life is another's fault. They have the tendency to blame others for wrongness within themselves, or to be hypervigilant to other's actions and opinions. They may attempt to 'fix' others, or feel an intense anxiety in a relationship."
" He often will blame others for his unhappiness or his problems. If he has an issue it is almost always because of something another person said or did, or didn't say or do. Additionally, where the codependent may feel that it is other's in their life that are 'over-controlling', it is in fact they, themselves, that are the overly controlling person. He is afraid that by allowing others to be who they are, or by allowing events to unfold as they will, that he will somehow, himself, be out of control. The codependent man believe only he knows best, he believes those around him should behave as he thinks they should behave, and he uses all kinds of little ways to get that person to do and think as he believes they should. He then becomes very controlling and if the other person fights this control, refuses to change, or remains adamant in their own beliefs the codependent will attempt to control and manipulate them even more - all the while claiming that the other one is the controlling one. He will use force, threats, coercion, advice giving, helplessness, guilt, insulting, shame, remove assets, neediness, selfishness, denial, manipulation, or domination - anything he can in his attempt to gain control over another."
This certainly explains a lot. There is a lot of information about codependents who enable others to misbehave because they are desperate for love, but not nearly enough about codependents whose desire to control and manipulate leads them to abuse others. Unfortunately, Rick's "diagnosis" of codependency depends on the traditional idea that he is enabling his abusive partner (me.) He claims that everything is my fault because I made him miserable and that I deserved what he did to me. (Hmmm, that parts sounds like codependency (and lunacy) for sure!) He is using excuses to deny responsibility for his own cruel behavior that left me traumatized and baffled.
Still, the codependency idea explains a lot. Rick and I met online, then I visited him in LA. He over prepared for my visit and spent a lot of money to plan trips, buy new things for his apartment, etc. Later I learned that his "nice guy" act of waiting on me hand and foot was a game for him to manipulate me. One of our first "dates" was an overnight trip to Sequoia National Park, somewhere I'd always dreamed of visiting. We had fun, but when we got back, Rick started acting weird and pouting. I finally got him to admit what was wrong, and he said I wasn't appreciative enough. I thought that was weird because I'd thanked him several times. Shouldn't once be enough? Shouldn't he have done something nice to be nice rather than as bait to be praised? He acted a little better but still pouted the next day. I felt like I was dealing with a child, but he'd been so nice, I thought maybe it was my fault. I tried to thank him for every little thing to keep him happy.
A few weeks later, I moved to CA, and he bought tickets to see Steely Dan. I thanked him for the tickets twice and bought him a thank you card. (I'd learned my lesson from the Sequoia trip!) We went to the show and had fun, but we got home late and I fell into bed half asleep. I'd forgotten to give him the card. The next morning, I was awakened by a phone call. He was yelling at me for not thanking him enough. I was flabberghasted and sat there staring at the card I'd so thoughtfully chosen to thank him. This was just the beginning of his behaviors that never stopped. Within days, I was wondering if I could ever do anything right or enough to please this man. I felt helpless and confused because I'd always been fine with normal people, yet Rick kept telling me there was something wrong with me because I didn't thank him enough, didn't do enough in return, didn't call him enough, etc. Then there were the demands to do everything his way... (that's a book in itself!)
He would do nice things for me, and I thanked him over and over (to avoid being yelled at,) but it was never enough. I asked to STOP doing nice things. I was afraid when he did something, because whatever I said or did in return was never enough. I didn't have an income and I couldn't keep up. It was his constant "niceness" that led him to abuse me more.
He would get mad and controlling pretty much every day. 99% of the time, our fights started with me making a comment that he didn't like then him yelling at me that I needed to "change" my opinions because they made him unhappy. In the past, I've blogged about some of the minor things that led him to yell at me. But, still, his manipulative niceness was confusing. Even though no one had else had ever berated me daily for being myself, Rick did. He was nice half the time, so I thought, if this nice guy is criticizing me daily and telling me to change, he must be right because he's clearly a nice guy. This is how I started to doubt my own reality. No one had ever done this to me, but maybe Rick was right. I pathetically went to therapy and told the therapist that I needed to change my personality because my husband hated the fact that I was opinionated. She reminded me that I have a right to be myself. Maybe he doesn't like me, but other people have and do. She tried to convince me that I wasn't as unlovable and horrible as Rick kept telling me I was. She was right, but it took me a long time to realize it. It is easy to be brainwashed when there's a guy doing everything for you, and coming across as a great guy, yet telling you you need to change.
Here are some more symptoms of codependent behavior:
http://www.proactivechange.com/relationships/codependency/symptoms.htm
One or both people feel "owed".
There are intense, exaggerated involvements.
Little spontaneous playfulness.
Too many fixed requirements or objectives imposed from within or without.
Non-valuing or awareness of individual differences.
Unrealistic relationship expectations.
One or both people have the myth of their own perfection or imperfection.
http://www.mnwelldir.org/docs/mental_health/codependency.htm
"believes deep inside that other people are responsible for the way they are and will blame others for the "spot" they are in. Others make them feel the way they feel, they are victimized, angry, unappreciated, and used. Others are driving them crazy."
"codependents do not feel happy or content with themselves. They look to others to supply them their happiness or their needs. They are threatened by the loss of anything or any person that provides them with their happiness."
"codependents blame, threaten, coerce, beg, bribe, and advise others... They avoid getting to the point, asking indirectly for attention by sighing, crying, or moping around...They say nothing is their fault. "
http://www.cdrs.ca/About/symptoms.html
Low self esteem, often projected onto others. (eg: Why don't they get their act together!)
Belief that others cause or are responsible for the codependent's emotions.
Overreacting to change. (or intense fear of / inability to deal with change.)
Rigidity and need to control.
These symptoms explain a lot. Codependents try to control and buy others by doing so much for them that the codependent feels "owed." The classic codependent naively gives into an addict, but in my case, I completely see how Rick's lack of self/ codependency led him to emotionally and verbally abuse me through controlling, expecting and demanding behaviors.
This really makes a lot of sense with the other things I'd noticed about Rick. He wanted me to be perfect to fill HIS holes and needs. Even though he waited on me hand and foot, the relationship was all about HIM trying to force me to meet his needs. He needed me to be happy 24/7 because he didn't have his own personality and was counting on me to create one for him.
I just had the bad luck to get sucked in to the life of a codependent abuser.
I was saving mementos in honor of the decent times, but now I feel like I should throw them away. Even though Rick was giving demonstrations that he claimed were love, I was the only one doing any selfless loving. His "selfless" giving to me was actually SELFISH because it was never about caring or empathy for me and was always about him.
But, Rick certainly does have many qualities of codependency. He does far too much for other people, not for kindness but to get praise in return, neglects to have his own opinions, takes his feelings and personality from others, being instantly "in love," calling every hour, etc.
To quote one website: http://abuse101.com/codependency.html
codependents "attempt to control another and to control circumstances. The codependent may often feel like they are a victim, or that everything wrong in their life is another's fault. They have the tendency to blame others for wrongness within themselves, or to be hypervigilant to other's actions and opinions. They may attempt to 'fix' others, or feel an intense anxiety in a relationship."
" He often will blame others for his unhappiness or his problems. If he has an issue it is almost always because of something another person said or did, or didn't say or do. Additionally, where the codependent may feel that it is other's in their life that are 'over-controlling', it is in fact they, themselves, that are the overly controlling person. He is afraid that by allowing others to be who they are, or by allowing events to unfold as they will, that he will somehow, himself, be out of control. The codependent man believe only he knows best, he believes those around him should behave as he thinks they should behave, and he uses all kinds of little ways to get that person to do and think as he believes they should. He then becomes very controlling and if the other person fights this control, refuses to change, or remains adamant in their own beliefs the codependent will attempt to control and manipulate them even more - all the while claiming that the other one is the controlling one. He will use force, threats, coercion, advice giving, helplessness, guilt, insulting, shame, remove assets, neediness, selfishness, denial, manipulation, or domination - anything he can in his attempt to gain control over another."
This certainly explains a lot. There is a lot of information about codependents who enable others to misbehave because they are desperate for love, but not nearly enough about codependents whose desire to control and manipulate leads them to abuse others. Unfortunately, Rick's "diagnosis" of codependency depends on the traditional idea that he is enabling his abusive partner (me.) He claims that everything is my fault because I made him miserable and that I deserved what he did to me. (Hmmm, that parts sounds like codependency (and lunacy) for sure!) He is using excuses to deny responsibility for his own cruel behavior that left me traumatized and baffled.
Still, the codependency idea explains a lot. Rick and I met online, then I visited him in LA. He over prepared for my visit and spent a lot of money to plan trips, buy new things for his apartment, etc. Later I learned that his "nice guy" act of waiting on me hand and foot was a game for him to manipulate me. One of our first "dates" was an overnight trip to Sequoia National Park, somewhere I'd always dreamed of visiting. We had fun, but when we got back, Rick started acting weird and pouting. I finally got him to admit what was wrong, and he said I wasn't appreciative enough. I thought that was weird because I'd thanked him several times. Shouldn't once be enough? Shouldn't he have done something nice to be nice rather than as bait to be praised? He acted a little better but still pouted the next day. I felt like I was dealing with a child, but he'd been so nice, I thought maybe it was my fault. I tried to thank him for every little thing to keep him happy.
A few weeks later, I moved to CA, and he bought tickets to see Steely Dan. I thanked him for the tickets twice and bought him a thank you card. (I'd learned my lesson from the Sequoia trip!) We went to the show and had fun, but we got home late and I fell into bed half asleep. I'd forgotten to give him the card. The next morning, I was awakened by a phone call. He was yelling at me for not thanking him enough. I was flabberghasted and sat there staring at the card I'd so thoughtfully chosen to thank him. This was just the beginning of his behaviors that never stopped. Within days, I was wondering if I could ever do anything right or enough to please this man. I felt helpless and confused because I'd always been fine with normal people, yet Rick kept telling me there was something wrong with me because I didn't thank him enough, didn't do enough in return, didn't call him enough, etc. Then there were the demands to do everything his way... (that's a book in itself!)
He would do nice things for me, and I thanked him over and over (to avoid being yelled at,) but it was never enough. I asked to STOP doing nice things. I was afraid when he did something, because whatever I said or did in return was never enough. I didn't have an income and I couldn't keep up. It was his constant "niceness" that led him to abuse me more.
He would get mad and controlling pretty much every day. 99% of the time, our fights started with me making a comment that he didn't like then him yelling at me that I needed to "change" my opinions because they made him unhappy. In the past, I've blogged about some of the minor things that led him to yell at me. But, still, his manipulative niceness was confusing. Even though no one had else had ever berated me daily for being myself, Rick did. He was nice half the time, so I thought, if this nice guy is criticizing me daily and telling me to change, he must be right because he's clearly a nice guy. This is how I started to doubt my own reality. No one had ever done this to me, but maybe Rick was right. I pathetically went to therapy and told the therapist that I needed to change my personality because my husband hated the fact that I was opinionated. She reminded me that I have a right to be myself. Maybe he doesn't like me, but other people have and do. She tried to convince me that I wasn't as unlovable and horrible as Rick kept telling me I was. She was right, but it took me a long time to realize it. It is easy to be brainwashed when there's a guy doing everything for you, and coming across as a great guy, yet telling you you need to change.
Here are some more symptoms of codependent behavior:
http://www.proactivechange.com/relationships/codependency/symptoms.htm
One or both people feel "owed".
There are intense, exaggerated involvements.
Little spontaneous playfulness.
Too many fixed requirements or objectives imposed from within or without.
Non-valuing or awareness of individual differences.
Unrealistic relationship expectations.
One or both people have the myth of their own perfection or imperfection.
http://www.mnwelldir.org/docs/mental_health/codependency.htm
"believes deep inside that other people are responsible for the way they are and will blame others for the "spot" they are in. Others make them feel the way they feel, they are victimized, angry, unappreciated, and used. Others are driving them crazy."
"codependents do not feel happy or content with themselves. They look to others to supply them their happiness or their needs. They are threatened by the loss of anything or any person that provides them with their happiness."
"codependents blame, threaten, coerce, beg, bribe, and advise others... They avoid getting to the point, asking indirectly for attention by sighing, crying, or moping around...They say nothing is their fault. "
http://www.cdrs.ca/About/symptoms.html
Low self esteem, often projected onto others. (eg: Why don't they get their act together!)
Belief that others cause or are responsible for the codependent's emotions.
Overreacting to change. (or intense fear of / inability to deal with change.)
Rigidity and need to control.
These symptoms explain a lot. Codependents try to control and buy others by doing so much for them that the codependent feels "owed." The classic codependent naively gives into an addict, but in my case, I completely see how Rick's lack of self/ codependency led him to emotionally and verbally abuse me through controlling, expecting and demanding behaviors.
This really makes a lot of sense with the other things I'd noticed about Rick. He wanted me to be perfect to fill HIS holes and needs. Even though he waited on me hand and foot, the relationship was all about HIM trying to force me to meet his needs. He needed me to be happy 24/7 because he didn't have his own personality and was counting on me to create one for him.
I just had the bad luck to get sucked in to the life of a codependent abuser.
I was saving mementos in honor of the decent times, but now I feel like I should throw them away. Even though Rick was giving demonstrations that he claimed were love, I was the only one doing any selfless loving. His "selfless" giving to me was actually SELFISH because it was never about caring or empathy for me and was always about him.
Ways codependents become abusive
I found this website today and sat bawling because it reminded me so much of the torture I went through with Rick and the fact that he was never happy with anything I did. It really explains what I was feeling in my heart all along. He did nice stuff for me, but I hated that because I knew it meant something was expected of me. He didn't do it to be nice, he did it to be praised. I hated the pressure of having to "perform" every time. And of course, no matter how hard I tried it was NEVER good enough!
http://codependency101.com/
I have quoted most of the page...
"Codependency
"My husband was codependent. Although he thought he was doing everything for me, in reality he was never there for me. Everything was about him..."
Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, provides an excellent definition of Codependency. She describes it as:
"a specific condition that is characterized by preoccupation and extreme dependence — emotionally, socially and sometimes physically — on a person or object. Eventually, this dependency on another person [or object] becomes a pathological condition that affects the co-dependent in all other relationships"
Codependents are the ultimate example of a Persecution Complex description. They always feel victimized, oppressed, and self-sacrificial. Although codependents may feel they give an inordinate amount of responsibility, obligation, and worry for another and mistakenly feel like they are giving, giving, giving, in reality they are actually taking, taking, taking. The only thing a codependent person wants to hear from his unappreciative (of course, this is usually in his imagination) spouse is the words "I feel so guilty about everything you do for me".
However, in reality, codependents do very little for the healthy betterment of their relationships, or the wholeness and completeness of their lives. Whereas they think they are doing for everyone, they are actually doing for themselves. Every time they can feel over-giving and under-appreciated (their main goal), they climb higher up in their Ivory-Tower and feel justified in hugging themselves while they hang from their self-imposed crucifix. Codependents appear to be very poor givers, so wrapped up in their imagined glories and self-sacrifices that they never really, truly give genuine love and care just for the simple reason of giving it and not for the real reason behind why they do give and give. And what is that reason you ask? Codependents give only for two causes and one reason; to cause 'self-pity', and to cause 'manipulation' of those around him, for the reason of being able to embrace, nurture, and love themselves, and to feel safe and secure..
A codependent person—although it may appear that they are over-conscious and over-aware of others—in reality are only conscious of their own role in other's lives and not with the actual other person themselves. They only need to pre-occupy themselves with other's emotional well-being and feelings to see what their own status is to that other person, and how they fit in that person's life. Although the experts seem to claim that a codependent person is overly involved in other's moods, feelings, and emotional being, they actually are more astute to another's moods, feelings, and emotions only when it directly relates back to themselves so that they may analyze the role they play in that person's life. Many codependents have an intense need for acceptance and validation of who they are. They can be more selfish and self-involved then fiercely independent people are, as they are so engrossed in the role they play in other people's lives that they become obsessed with others' moods and well-being only as it relates to themselves.
Codependents lack in self-perception and can only identify who they are through that of a second person. They manifest 'who they are' only through another's eyes, thoughts, or views of them...and without another they are unable to find their own identity. Codependents tend to latch onto partners because of this lack of being able to self-identify through themselves.
Thus, codependents become 'emotionally unavailable' or 'uncaring' to others, unless it is for the selfish reason of improving their own role in that person's life. Everything they do they do to pity themselves or to applaud themselves...nothing is done out of voluntary loving or freely given for the mere fact of truly caring for another. NOTHING! Everything that a codependent person does is done to further establish their self-pitying thoughts of 'overdoing' and of being taken advantage of and for granted, "I am so unappreciated around here, they treat me like their slave...", or their self-worshipping thoughts that they are perfect and well-respected for the 'good' or 'right things' that they do unto others. "I am a great person, see how I saved the day!" These thoughts are based on the fact that because they are overly concerned with the role they play in other's lives that they become more acutely aware of how others do or do not acknowledge what they do.
Basically, the codependents motives are all about gaining self-pity or gaining self-respect enough so that they can feel safe and comfortable enough to embrace their own inner soul and give much needed self-love to themselves. Just below the surface of every codependent is a lost and rejected child that doesn't feel that who they are themselves is worthy of love.
A codependent is so caught up in their own little "I am a self-sacrificing hero" fantasy that they have no idea that they have no real identity of their own, and are actually (and ironically) never really fully available to another (although they believe just the opposite). Codependents spend an inordinate amount of time hugging themselves and finding new ways to feel like they are abandoned and unappreciated, or acclaimed and heralded. They spend an elaborate amount of time planning ways to feel more damaged and martyred (so they can heroize themselves), and to do this they must worry more about making everyone but himself happy. They must be self-sacrificial. Although they feel that they are over-giving and over-doing, they actually do very little real emotional loving, or make themselves truly available to the people in their life. (It is hard to be there for somebody in an honest and genuine sense, when you are being bitter and indignant about the fact that you are there for them.) You can never love a codependent person enough, for they will not feel your love, they will only feel all the drummed up sacrifices they have done for others. A codependent person will not hear, "thank you, I appreciate that" but will seek out and concentrate his focus on all the non-acknowledged things that he does do, whereas most non-codependents will hear the "thank you" and not really get to worried over the fact that occasionally someone didn't acknowledge something they did for them. A codependent person very rarely recognizes genuine acts of true love and caring from their spouses, but rather is hypervigilant to their spouses negativities or requests (which the codependent person takes to mean 'more demands' on, and 'belittlement' of, them).
Codependent people have a huge hole in them that needs to be fixed. They find temporary relief via another person's redemption through them, as it allows them to redeem themselves when they see themselves through the other's eyes. This may possibly be the reason why codependents almost always choose mates that have 'problems'. They can find a temporary patch for their own 'hole' by fixing others'.
The simple fact is, the codependent person is an unavailable partner.
Codependents have this empty hole that only they can fill up. Sometimes you may be able to get it a quarter full, or even halfway full, but no matter how much you put in this bucket, it keeps falling right out the bottom. "
My views:
So much of this is familiar! Some parts really show what I kept feeling when Rick would yell at me for not saying thank you enough. His doing things for me was a burden to ME because I knew the anger was coming when I couldn't live up to his expectations. I felt like he didn't care about me, just how I could make him feel. And that was proven when he kept telling me he only liked me when I was happy. He had no empathy when I'd had a hard day. He had no ability to understand my feelings. Just minutes before he left me, he was (again) telling me how horrible I was. And I said, "Rick, what about MY feelings? You are hurting me. I am sick of being criticized. Do you even like me?" He started yelling "bullshit!" and I cried back "my feelings are not bullshit, this is how I feel when you berate me." But, he could only look at his own feelings. I felt like I was alone and ignored in that "marriage." All he ever cared about was how I could make him feel. It never crossed his mind that I was a human with feelings that also mattered!
Even though he is convinced that I ruined his life, and he worked hard to save the marriage, the acts of giving were not "saving" anything. They were one-sided. I told him over and over to STOP giving and doing and just respect, cherish and appreciate me for who I am. That's ALL I ever wanted! As much as he praises him self for being "loving," I have a feeling I was the only one doing any real loving because I was accepting of his faults, etc. and saw him as a human. He saw me only as a robot to make him feel better about himself, so any time I was human and less than perfect, he was disappointed. I carried the burden of that daily disappointment
http://codependency101.com/
I have quoted most of the page...
"Codependency
"My husband was codependent. Although he thought he was doing everything for me, in reality he was never there for me. Everything was about him..."
Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, provides an excellent definition of Codependency. She describes it as:
"a specific condition that is characterized by preoccupation and extreme dependence — emotionally, socially and sometimes physically — on a person or object. Eventually, this dependency on another person [or object] becomes a pathological condition that affects the co-dependent in all other relationships"
Codependents are the ultimate example of a Persecution Complex description. They always feel victimized, oppressed, and self-sacrificial. Although codependents may feel they give an inordinate amount of responsibility, obligation, and worry for another and mistakenly feel like they are giving, giving, giving, in reality they are actually taking, taking, taking. The only thing a codependent person wants to hear from his unappreciative (of course, this is usually in his imagination) spouse is the words "I feel so guilty about everything you do for me".
However, in reality, codependents do very little for the healthy betterment of their relationships, or the wholeness and completeness of their lives. Whereas they think they are doing for everyone, they are actually doing for themselves. Every time they can feel over-giving and under-appreciated (their main goal), they climb higher up in their Ivory-Tower and feel justified in hugging themselves while they hang from their self-imposed crucifix. Codependents appear to be very poor givers, so wrapped up in their imagined glories and self-sacrifices that they never really, truly give genuine love and care just for the simple reason of giving it and not for the real reason behind why they do give and give. And what is that reason you ask? Codependents give only for two causes and one reason; to cause 'self-pity', and to cause 'manipulation' of those around him, for the reason of being able to embrace, nurture, and love themselves, and to feel safe and secure..
A codependent person—although it may appear that they are over-conscious and over-aware of others—in reality are only conscious of their own role in other's lives and not with the actual other person themselves. They only need to pre-occupy themselves with other's emotional well-being and feelings to see what their own status is to that other person, and how they fit in that person's life. Although the experts seem to claim that a codependent person is overly involved in other's moods, feelings, and emotional being, they actually are more astute to another's moods, feelings, and emotions only when it directly relates back to themselves so that they may analyze the role they play in that person's life. Many codependents have an intense need for acceptance and validation of who they are. They can be more selfish and self-involved then fiercely independent people are, as they are so engrossed in the role they play in other people's lives that they become obsessed with others' moods and well-being only as it relates to themselves.
Codependents lack in self-perception and can only identify who they are through that of a second person. They manifest 'who they are' only through another's eyes, thoughts, or views of them...and without another they are unable to find their own identity. Codependents tend to latch onto partners because of this lack of being able to self-identify through themselves.
Thus, codependents become 'emotionally unavailable' or 'uncaring' to others, unless it is for the selfish reason of improving their own role in that person's life. Everything they do they do to pity themselves or to applaud themselves...nothing is done out of voluntary loving or freely given for the mere fact of truly caring for another. NOTHING! Everything that a codependent person does is done to further establish their self-pitying thoughts of 'overdoing' and of being taken advantage of and for granted, "I am so unappreciated around here, they treat me like their slave...", or their self-worshipping thoughts that they are perfect and well-respected for the 'good' or 'right things' that they do unto others. "I am a great person, see how I saved the day!" These thoughts are based on the fact that because they are overly concerned with the role they play in other's lives that they become more acutely aware of how others do or do not acknowledge what they do.
Basically, the codependents motives are all about gaining self-pity or gaining self-respect enough so that they can feel safe and comfortable enough to embrace their own inner soul and give much needed self-love to themselves. Just below the surface of every codependent is a lost and rejected child that doesn't feel that who they are themselves is worthy of love.
A codependent is so caught up in their own little "I am a self-sacrificing hero" fantasy that they have no idea that they have no real identity of their own, and are actually (and ironically) never really fully available to another (although they believe just the opposite). Codependents spend an inordinate amount of time hugging themselves and finding new ways to feel like they are abandoned and unappreciated, or acclaimed and heralded. They spend an elaborate amount of time planning ways to feel more damaged and martyred (so they can heroize themselves), and to do this they must worry more about making everyone but himself happy. They must be self-sacrificial. Although they feel that they are over-giving and over-doing, they actually do very little real emotional loving, or make themselves truly available to the people in their life. (It is hard to be there for somebody in an honest and genuine sense, when you are being bitter and indignant about the fact that you are there for them.) You can never love a codependent person enough, for they will not feel your love, they will only feel all the drummed up sacrifices they have done for others. A codependent person will not hear, "thank you, I appreciate that" but will seek out and concentrate his focus on all the non-acknowledged things that he does do, whereas most non-codependents will hear the "thank you" and not really get to worried over the fact that occasionally someone didn't acknowledge something they did for them. A codependent person very rarely recognizes genuine acts of true love and caring from their spouses, but rather is hypervigilant to their spouses negativities or requests (which the codependent person takes to mean 'more demands' on, and 'belittlement' of, them).
Codependent people have a huge hole in them that needs to be fixed. They find temporary relief via another person's redemption through them, as it allows them to redeem themselves when they see themselves through the other's eyes. This may possibly be the reason why codependents almost always choose mates that have 'problems'. They can find a temporary patch for their own 'hole' by fixing others'.
The simple fact is, the codependent person is an unavailable partner.
Codependents have this empty hole that only they can fill up. Sometimes you may be able to get it a quarter full, or even halfway full, but no matter how much you put in this bucket, it keeps falling right out the bottom. "
My views:
So much of this is familiar! Some parts really show what I kept feeling when Rick would yell at me for not saying thank you enough. His doing things for me was a burden to ME because I knew the anger was coming when I couldn't live up to his expectations. I felt like he didn't care about me, just how I could make him feel. And that was proven when he kept telling me he only liked me when I was happy. He had no empathy when I'd had a hard day. He had no ability to understand my feelings. Just minutes before he left me, he was (again) telling me how horrible I was. And I said, "Rick, what about MY feelings? You are hurting me. I am sick of being criticized. Do you even like me?" He started yelling "bullshit!" and I cried back "my feelings are not bullshit, this is how I feel when you berate me." But, he could only look at his own feelings. I felt like I was alone and ignored in that "marriage." All he ever cared about was how I could make him feel. It never crossed his mind that I was a human with feelings that also mattered!
Even though he is convinced that I ruined his life, and he worked hard to save the marriage, the acts of giving were not "saving" anything. They were one-sided. I told him over and over to STOP giving and doing and just respect, cherish and appreciate me for who I am. That's ALL I ever wanted! As much as he praises him self for being "loving," I have a feeling I was the only one doing any real loving because I was accepting of his faults, etc. and saw him as a human. He saw me only as a robot to make him feel better about himself, so any time I was human and less than perfect, he was disappointed. I carried the burden of that daily disappointment
Haunted by abuse
For some reason, the only time the divorce bothers me is when I first wake up. According to my divorce group, the estimated recovery time is one year for every four years of marriage. Wow, with an 11 month marriage, I should feel better in 3 months! I'm going to assume closer to 6 if I include the entire 2 year "relationship." This actually seems realistic. I don't miss Rick at all. I miss the cats and amenities, but not the abuser. Maybe it's easier that the marriage was one sided. I'm not losing a great confidante or best friend. I'm losing a companion who always seemed disappointed to be with me instead of someone else. Big loss! NOT! It's more like a relief. Once the initial shock wears off when I wake up, the rest of the day I'm filled with relief because I am around people who actually like me, appreciate me and are interested in what I have to say. I'm back in the real world instead of Rick's isolated Twilight Zone where nothing makes sense and he is impossible to please. Actually, the trauma of the divorce is not about missing him at all; it's due to other reasons:
I keep remembering how Rick NEVER had anything good to say about me from the beginning. All he ever noticed was little flaws and he started with my teeth on the second day I knew him. I know he wrote poems and love songs about how great his ex gold digger and porn star girlfriends were, so I keep wondering why someone would be so stupid as to chase married ex girlfriends who honestly seem pretty shallow and treated him like crap, yet he picked at everything about me. I'd never experienced that from anyone, so it's pretty confusing. Still, like my therapist said, Rick clearly has emotional problems and some type of mental illness. I can't take his behavior personally because there is something wrong with him and his thought process. He doesn't know what love is, he only knows infatuation and trying to win attention from women that don't want him. Still, I keep worrying and fretting about WHY he married me when it was so clear from the start that he disliked me. I spent the marriage walking on eggshells and hoping he'd come to his senses and learn to appreciate me for my good points instead of trying to turn me into his ex.
I'm annoyed that I put my education on hold and wasted two years of my life for some guy who didn't love me and just needed someone to fill HIS needs. His emotional hole is so huge, that even when he was doing things for me, it was for the purpose of making him feel less empty. I wasted two years trying to keep from being sucked into his black hole.
I just keep hoping I'll find a reason or an answer for why I had to endure this: fall in love with someone who didn't really exist, give up my entire life for him, get beat down and discarded. My therapist warns me that I'll probably never get answers from Rick because he is not self-aware enough to understand his own crazy behavior. Most abuse survivors never do get any apology, admission or real closure. You can't expect reasonable results from someone who is incapable of rational thought and self examination. He is too messed up to think beyond his own problems and realize what he did to someone else.
Obviously the aftershocks of the abusive criticism are the top reason I wake up with a nasty headache every morning. I was an okay, average person when I met Rick, but after two years of hearing him pick out my every flaw, I worry about things that never bothered me. Very early on, Rick complained about my teeth. He was so embarrassed that he even sent an e-mail explaining to his family why I had fluorosis stains on my teeth. He contacted a dentist and gave me brochures about getting veneers the first week I lived there. I'd never thought about it before. I didn't realize it was that obvious and that big of a deal. Now, I worry about it whenever I want to smile and I don't want to open my mouth. Thanks to Rick's repeatedly pointing out how ugly my teeth are, it's all I think about when I meet new people. I feel like I have to apologize and explain that I have severe fluorosis.
He also used to complain that I had frizzy hair. Something I'd never noticed. Still, he kept trying to get me to use hair stuff. Now, I can't help but notice all those little flyaway hairs that didn't seem like a big deal before.
I wont list them all because I'm sure normal people aren't ultra picky and critical like Rick was with me, but let's just say I'm left with a huge list of things to feel insecure about. Things that never crossed my mind before when I was content with just being a normal person and wasn't expected to be PERFECT for Rick. I'm pretty sure that every woman Rick dated wasn't so perfect either, so I know he must have done this to all of them. Unfortunately, I got the brunt of it, one because I was the longest continuous relationship of his life (at a mere two years!) and two, because he had extra expectations of me because I was his wife and "soul mate" who was supposed to be the perfect person for him.
I keep remembering how Rick NEVER had anything good to say about me from the beginning. All he ever noticed was little flaws and he started with my teeth on the second day I knew him. I know he wrote poems and love songs about how great his ex gold digger and porn star girlfriends were, so I keep wondering why someone would be so stupid as to chase married ex girlfriends who honestly seem pretty shallow and treated him like crap, yet he picked at everything about me. I'd never experienced that from anyone, so it's pretty confusing. Still, like my therapist said, Rick clearly has emotional problems and some type of mental illness. I can't take his behavior personally because there is something wrong with him and his thought process. He doesn't know what love is, he only knows infatuation and trying to win attention from women that don't want him. Still, I keep worrying and fretting about WHY he married me when it was so clear from the start that he disliked me. I spent the marriage walking on eggshells and hoping he'd come to his senses and learn to appreciate me for my good points instead of trying to turn me into his ex.
I'm annoyed that I put my education on hold and wasted two years of my life for some guy who didn't love me and just needed someone to fill HIS needs. His emotional hole is so huge, that even when he was doing things for me, it was for the purpose of making him feel less empty. I wasted two years trying to keep from being sucked into his black hole.
I just keep hoping I'll find a reason or an answer for why I had to endure this: fall in love with someone who didn't really exist, give up my entire life for him, get beat down and discarded. My therapist warns me that I'll probably never get answers from Rick because he is not self-aware enough to understand his own crazy behavior. Most abuse survivors never do get any apology, admission or real closure. You can't expect reasonable results from someone who is incapable of rational thought and self examination. He is too messed up to think beyond his own problems and realize what he did to someone else.
Obviously the aftershocks of the abusive criticism are the top reason I wake up with a nasty headache every morning. I was an okay, average person when I met Rick, but after two years of hearing him pick out my every flaw, I worry about things that never bothered me. Very early on, Rick complained about my teeth. He was so embarrassed that he even sent an e-mail explaining to his family why I had fluorosis stains on my teeth. He contacted a dentist and gave me brochures about getting veneers the first week I lived there. I'd never thought about it before. I didn't realize it was that obvious and that big of a deal. Now, I worry about it whenever I want to smile and I don't want to open my mouth. Thanks to Rick's repeatedly pointing out how ugly my teeth are, it's all I think about when I meet new people. I feel like I have to apologize and explain that I have severe fluorosis.
He also used to complain that I had frizzy hair. Something I'd never noticed. Still, he kept trying to get me to use hair stuff. Now, I can't help but notice all those little flyaway hairs that didn't seem like a big deal before.
I wont list them all because I'm sure normal people aren't ultra picky and critical like Rick was with me, but let's just say I'm left with a huge list of things to feel insecure about. Things that never crossed my mind before when I was content with just being a normal person and wasn't expected to be PERFECT for Rick. I'm pretty sure that every woman Rick dated wasn't so perfect either, so I know he must have done this to all of them. Unfortunately, I got the brunt of it, one because I was the longest continuous relationship of his life (at a mere two years!) and two, because he had extra expectations of me because I was his wife and "soul mate" who was supposed to be the perfect person for him.
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